The 35-Year-Old Virgin

by David Wraith

If you wanted it, you should have put a ring on it.

My friend “Lisette” (not her real name) has a beautiful face, a gorgeous head of hair and (although she’s loathe to admit it) a pretty kick-ass body. She’s smart, well read, witty and charming. I’ve been trying to get in her pants for over twenty years, to no avail. I am comforted, however, with the knowledge that no one else has succeeded where I have failed. You see, at thirty-five, Lisette is still a virgin.

She’s neither religious nor politically conservative. In fact, like the mother who raised her, she’s a feminist, a liberal and an intellectual. As a teenager, she was part of a sexually promiscuous crowd that ran the gamut from goth kids to hip-hop heads. Having known her as long as I have, the fact that she has never had sex is perplexing and yet somehow, at the same time, it makes perfect sense. Having mostly avoided the topic for the last two decades, I finally decided to ask her some questions.

So, you’re still a virgin. What’s up with that?

It is the right choice for me, I am not willing to risk pregnancy or STDs on just anybody, the potential costs are too high for me personally, not to mention I just don’t like the thought of sleeping around, being so intimate with person after person. However I don’t judge other people if they are into that, different strokes for different folks.

What’s the farthest you’ve ever been with a guy?

One word: You. I forget what you called that scam, but as I recall it involved nekkidness, kissing, and more nekkidness. Other than that, making out topless.  Is that second or third base?

[Author’s Note: I plead the fizzith.]

What was the most memorable reaction when you told someone you were still a virgin?

One of my work buddies asked me “don’t you hate it when you’re doing this and that happens?” I was like, uh, sure. He kept pressing and I ended up fessing up, I don’t like to lie outright, I may try to slide in an omission in certain scenarios. He was a very extroverted soul, bless him, he shrieked “That is so precious!” and kept hugging me and telling me how sweet that was. In front of everybody. Thankfully he didn’t shriek any other details and out me to anyone who was not in the immediate vicinity, those who were nearby were pretty entertained, though! 

Do you think it’s weird to still be a virgin?

I do realize that to other people it seems to be an unusual choice for someone my age, in this day and time. Some people think it’s sweet and old-fashioned, but a lot of the people I have discussed it with think it is bizarre or unrealistic to wait until marriage for sex, excepting some truly religious people, of course.

How has your virginity affected your ability to date and have relationships?

It certainly makes for interesting conversations once I have “the discussion” with a potential candidate for my affections. Most guys are willing to go along for a few weeks or so and some try to test my resolve, and then get disappointed. I’m also a bit reclusive though, so not many guys make it to that point. I have historically mostly dated people I know from school or people vouched for or recommended by good friends of mine.

Do you ever have difficulty relating to sexually active people?

Not really, I do have sexual feelings and have had relationships so I can usually relate to some degree. Unless they ask me specific questions I don’t know the answer to.

Do you achieve orgasm through masturbation or use of toys?

Yep, because I noticed I am more prone to get cranky or develop excessive body tension if I don’t at least bi-weekly.

Under what circumstances do you see yourself having sex for the first time?

On my honeymoon, with the love of my life, whoever that turns out to be.

One final question, wanna have sex with me?

I bet you’re asking all the girls… Although I am super fond of you, I don’t think you are the love of my life, so no. Although I am sure you would make it memorable!

Posted in abstinence, David Wraith, interview, virginity, women and tagged , , , , .