Are Single Men Welcome at SEX+STL Events?

With our next clothing optional party coming right up (2nd Annual Fleshtivus!), we’ve had quite a few inquiries from folks new to SEX+STL. Here is an example:


David Wraith and me at Fleshtivus 2011!

I’m a 45-year-old man who has had a reasonably happy sex life so far, though I started late (at 23). One reason for this late start was that I had a hard time reconciling my desire for sex with my upbringing, which taught me that (straight) men who express a desire for sex are being creepy or disrespectful.

I realize now, of course, that many men’s expressions of sexual desire of women are indeed disrespectful, but that it can also be expressed in a positive manner that values women’s individuality and beauty in a healthy way.

I haven’t been with a lot of women, but I’ve been with enough, and I’m more confident about my body and sexuality than I have ever been before.

So, I’d like to start meeting more people in the SEX+STL/poly/kink community and hopefully have the opportunity to explore my sexuality further.

Could you discuss how people in the community react to the presence of a new, single man at these events and gatherings? Is it with suspicion (“this guy is just out to find easy women and get laid”), with cautious acceptance (“everyone here is out to get laid… I wonder if he’s an okay kind of guy”), with condescension at my likely-more-vanilla-than-most tastes (“If he isn’t into pain, I don’t see why he would bother showing up here”)?

I suspect I’m not the only historically “nice guy” who is very curious about these events, but is nervous about being seen as merely trolling for sex—just as there are probably “nice girls” who are curious, but nervous about being seen as no more than fresh meat for the experienced crowd.

Thank you,

I’m so glad you asked this question, S.D.! There are many different types of sex and alternative lifestyle groups out there, and they all have their own structure and guidelines. You can always ask us if we have any experiences with them – chances are, we do. For this question, however, I will focus on our group – Sex Positive St. Louis.

The short answer is yes, single men are welcome at SEX+STL events; we are an inclusive group. The main thing we do not tolerate is disrespectful or unethical behavior – we want our guests to feel comfortable! Mutual respect and consent are key to happy and healthy relationships.

Our calendar of events provides details as to the type of event it is – we offer public, private, and “members only” events. Public means the event is in a public setting and anyone is welcome to attend. Private events are usually held in someone’s home, and those who attend need to meet one of the Co-Founders first – me, David, Johnny, or Anna. “Members only” events are for those who regularly attend SEX+STL events – we all know each other pretty well.

One of our most popular events are the clothing optional parties, which we hold every couple months or so. These are private events. I made this little video explaining more about it:

If you get involved with SEX+STL, will you get laid? Not necessarily. Will you meet like-minded people and make great connections and have the opportunity to experience amazing things? Most definitely! Our events tend to be refreshing, exciting, liberating, entertaining, and informative. Just the feeling of being able to be yourself and talk about things you normally don’t get to discuss in mainstream society is enough to make it worthwhile!

So, please come out and give it a try. We want to continue expanding our reach and growing as a group. We are proud to be an important part of the sex-positive movement – you can be, too!